Mianly Gram

I cannot believe it's been a almost a week since I updated. Time flies when your right out straight.

I can't say that anything terribly exciting has taken place. Paying bills, cleaning... that is about it. I have been doing some serious thinking about the direction m,y journal is going. It seems I always write about the events of the day with some what random order. I need some focus. So when my hournal finally switches over to mindvillages.com then you all might just see a change. Then again, maybe my journal is unique enough to have some readers. One will never know until someone actually leaves a comment *giggles*

I read some of the greats everyday. They keep me coming back. Do I do that for anyone? No I highly doubt that. I could be the fact that our life seems very mundane sometimes. We can't go many places as we are grounded by my bed-bound grandmother whome I take care of. Our biggest outings are shopping and the ramdom visit to a friends house.. and those are pretty sparatic. We basically have to rely on the kindness of others to come and visit us. Oh well, the joys and pains of eldery folks. It isn't easy on her either, although I don't think she has the mental capability any longer to realize that she alone holds our family back. It is, afterall, not her fault she is bed-ridden. She didn't ask for this and I am sure if given the choice she would most definatly still be living on her own. She was a very independant woman in her earlier years. (she is now the ripened age of 89) Strong willed and opinionated as well. Now you see a shell of a woman. A person that cannot tell you she is uncomfartable or in pain, the only thing she can mutter is "mama" and when asked about pain denies it, or claims she was howling about some man on TV being able to see her here in this room. It is really strange what demitia will do to a person.

I was told while training for alzheimers certificate that one lady suffering from the disease kept smacking her poor inocent (also elderly) husband in the back of the head. He finally reached a point where he could no longer care for his wife, he could not understand what she wanted and why she was hurting him. He spoke with this woman who trained us, and confided that he thought he had no other choice but to send her to a nursing facility. He was broken hearted and didn't know what else to do. This woman spoke with the poor elderly lady, as much as one possibly could, she determined after watching her physical movement and her timing of smacking poor hubby in the back of the head (she would go from carressing to *thwack* in a matter of seconds) The woman was in pain. I cannot recall what the nature of the pain was. Let's just say she had an infection in her foot. This infection was hurting her and she had no other way of trying to tell her husband..just *thwack* and he was supposed to take it from there.

Sad, very sad. I am glad I got the opportunity to understand a bit about dementia and alzheimers disease. Other wise those nights when she is completely pissy I might just be tempted to do the same thing to her. Ship her to a home and feel bitter towards her and also feel guilty about it for the rest of my life.

The only question I have now is... which would I rather feel guilty about. Making my children live a sheltered life, or making the last years of my grandmothers life miserable in a nursing home. Tough one ain't it. IT passes though my wee brain every single day. Life is full of decisions. I hope that this decision affects my children in a positive way and make them realize that quality of life is as important as the quantity of life.