What the hell was I thinking?!?!?!

I am a fuckhead loser daughter. I mean that. I am an aweful human being. I cannot deal with my feelings in a normal healthy manor. Let's see where do I begin to explain how I came to this conclusion.

My dad was over this morning as he usually does every friday morning. He had general chit chat and treats for the kids. Ohh and lets see, he wanted to know when his $5000 loan he leant me (he secured a loan for me with money from his savings account which is in my name). It is supposed to be paid for in May or June or so. Uh huh. That was when it was supposed to be due. That is until I got pissed that he was withholding money which belonged in this household (for gramma) and usuing it for himself. So, I took the money and paid off the loan with it. Therefor, there is now only 5 bucks or so in there. And he wants his close to 5000 dollars. I am so stupid.

Ya see, now he gives me at least some of the money each month. I was pissed. My families life is shit because I am stuck taking care of his mother for the rest of her life. Stuck. I felt stuck. So I took his money. But first, let me explain something else.

The only reason he was able to save up to 10 K at one time is because he paid no money towards the upkeep and bills from this house we all live/lived in at one time. Everything he didn't need or use he saved. Meanwhile me and Scott are needing a 5k loan so we can keep ourselves paid on bills. So lets see. I have the burden of his mother, all the bills and he got off completely free. It really seemed like an unfair situation to be in. I still have his mom here. And why might you ask is she a burden? She is a great woman. Really not much trouble at all. She has her moments. But, the thing is that she is bedridden. She can't do anything for herself. She can't be left alone for long for this reason. So, we are basically housebound. We can't go anywhere for long periods of time, including vacations, a day away. That is not healthy. That will drive a person nuts alone. We never used to be home, we were always out and about. We have two young kids who miss out on things cause of that. So.. I was pissed. Not only was I stuck with the burden, but I wasn't getting compensated for it. So I paid the loan off with the seccured money.

My posistion now is that I have to tell him I did that. Mind you this is the man that just before he moved out last May accused me of stealling his money he had hidden under his bed to move. Then accused every one else I knew and had for visitors. Turns out he just was over looking it. He appoligized by saying "Well, you can certainly understand why I was mad can't you?" Oh yeah I could. I can understand. You wouldn't be able to leave this house and not have the burdens we all have and be free to do and go as you please. I can understand. Shit, I should have stolen the money. At least I would have had a little compensation like I was talking about before.

Its just not right to be treated like this. In my brain I guess I was brave and wanted to teach him a lesson. And I still do, buy my braveness has dwindled and I want to curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out for what I have done. He wants the money to get a new car. Oh, and to buy us a 1000.00 riding lawnmove with an attachment to help us bring down the trash. He actually want to do something for me. Go figure. He said he was leaving gramma here for me too. Go figure once again. He was leaving her here so we would be able to pay the housepayment. Some times I just wonder why everything is about him. The riding lawnmower? That is for him inevitablly too. He comes out in the summer and mows and takes care of the yard cause he like to do that stuff. So.. while for a split second why was I pissed. I seem to talk myself right outa that one. Well, not pissed, but thinking I was a loser. I dunno.I think it's fear. Fear of telling him what I think about what he has done and does. Who the hell knows. I will be afraid to tell him what I think forever. I always have. I just don't know.

I am strange. I have issues. Everyone does really. But, so now you know my issue. My father. I still feel like a loser for not taking responsibility and doing the right thing. I knew I was wrong. I have never ever done anything like this in my life before. Never. I will never in a million years do anything like it again. Everytime I drive by the bank where the loan was from for the past year, my stomach sank and there were butterflies and nervousness. It's aweful. And right now I have that feeling constantly. Money situations are bad here. Bad bad bad. Anyhow, I am gonna go wallow in self pitty. Talk again soon.